It is heartbreaking to be near a person you know you’ll never have, and more so, when you realize that you don’t even know how to act with them. That you’re nothing to them, and rightfully so, because you don’t even know what to say. How much longer before I disappear completely from x’s life? Not long, not long at all. I’m not the someone that she wants or needs; I don’t dare to show her that she’s my someone. Love is a losing game, isn’t it. Then, when you find out you’re the only one playing all along, doesn’t that make you a double loser? In every sense of the word. Oh well. Day 3 of facing fears, gogogo.
I nearly lost my temper for the first time in ages on Saturday. It was nice to feel something so decisively. It beats this faint sense of dread and discomfort. I should be excited. I should be thrilled. Instead, it is an amorphous whirl of ambivalence. But I’m not anybody’s top choice either, hahaha. I think that is the source of unease,- being a tag-along. But it’s okay. I’m used to it: of not being a priority, of not being wanted the same way I want people. I don’t need it, I don’t mind it. I can take it until I make it. I’m just going to let loose, have fun, and nothing is going to change. How boringgggggzz. Mr Palahnuik, I want to believe you, but never mind, for now I’ll just feel with words and films, and remember rainy days with Amelie soundtracks.