always electric

It is heartbreaking to be near a person you know you’ll never have, and more so, when you realize that you don’t even know how to act with them. That you’re nothing to them, and rightfully so, because you don’t even know what to say. How much longer before I disappear completely from x’s life? Not long, not long at all. I’m not the someone that she wants or needs; I don’t dare to show her that she’s my someone. Love is a losing game, isn’t it. Then, when you find out you’re the only one playing all along, doesn’t that make you a double loser? In every sense of the word. Oh well. Day 3 of facing fears, gogogo.

It is the images before I sleep that get to me. They appear like ghouls, without bells and stinking of defeat. I must have been so childish, so pathetic, so bloody disgusting. It is a terrible idea to drink when one is unhappy. You think you’re drowning your sorrows when, really, you’re drowning your dignity. How quickly I melted into x’s touch. The curves, the closeness, the lips… Fuck fuck fuck. What use is a one-sided memory?

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invisible

if we melted the hours into minutes, and the seconds into liquid,
we would have a river that flows from a mouth and has no eyes
it would cascade across fields and lap over rabbit-holes towards
a journey with no destination
instead, we have time.
a day will see a sun and a moon, and stars will only shimmer
on the skin of lakes at night and pause their twinkling
when they are not yet due.
if a year was broken down into days, our ages would be uncountable
and i really could love you for a thousand years.
the oldest man on the earth would have life in the five digits,
but by then, we wouldn’t be counting because we would be too busy
embracing our renewed souls that add on years like tree rings
instead, we have calendars.
a year will see a spring, a summer, an autumn, a winter, and the seasons
dissolve into palettes for us to paint the days with
all because the earth curves around the sun in a drunken ellipsis
and it is easiest to standardize what can be seen, according to varying shades of blue
if we exchanged pounds into pennies, and dollars into cents,
would everything cease to make sense?
we would go around jingling with change, clog fountains with rusty coins,
hide smiles when we find a lonely nickel and give it the warmth of our thumbs.
instead, we have currency.
one dollar will buy you bread; ten, butter; hundred, bottle;
thousand million billion, bitterness, but don’t take it from me, take it from them
the invisible hands guiding us towards
the journey with a destination.
if you spoke the words of songs, and spun lyrics from old looms,
would the message still condense in rooms?
instead, there is uncertainty.
there are enough rifled measures and invisible hands patrolling the borders of
our one-way destinations
hearts are the only things left that might be true
tell me, in your own words, what i mean to you.
tell me you want to see me too.
but, no. no. no. no. no(thing). i have lost the plot because now,
i believe in a river meanders towards the horizon, girths that are measured in tree-days,
wishes granted by penny pixies, but i can’t bring myself to hope against hope
that you might want me too.

Ways to Avoid Sadness on New Year’s

1) Imagine everything
2) Expect nothing **very important**
3) Find something/body else to look at all times
4) Laugh until your throat hurts and no sound comes out
5) Have giggly noisy fun
6) Never allow your mind to be silent or still
7) Don’t believe the things you tell yourself late at night
8) Stop wishing and hoping and counting on other people to surprise you, fulfill you
9) Be surprised by how much fun you can have **easiest when paired with #2**
10) Be reminded that even if nothing changes, it was not for the lack of trying, so dial it down. Don’t be intense like a laser’s glare. Float in the bobbing streams. Coast along the gentle seas. Remember that mornings will roll around and that tears would have evaporated to join the ranks of dew long ago.
11) Feel dumb for feeling a twinge in the chest when the world is beautiful and ready to be conquered. Or fail terribly in, but that’s still beautiful, because nothing beats life. The beautiful are the ones that have persisted, in form or in memory.
12) Finally realize that a new year means nothing in the grand scheme of things, and that you’re a spark in those grand fireworks dancing above you, full of fury and glory, incandescent in their ascent, but ultimately, anonymous and disappeared by the time the next breath is taken.
13) So have fun. Laugh. Dance. Do stupid things. Be annoying. Be too polite, be sososo nice. Take risks to spend time with people you like. Do what you want, like what you do-ooh-ooh and singgGGG, unless you got an itchy scratchy voice and want to gouge out your own throat.